4 AM

I woke up at 3:45 this morning to my dog barking. She had a raccoon treed, and they are her nemesis because she knows they like to steal her food. As I walked out to call her inside, I noticed I had some more painful cramping. Since before beta #1, I've had cramps as though my period were about to start, so I'm used to it. But these cramps were different. I went to the bathroom and there was blood on the toilet paper...light red at first, then by the third wipe it was getting brighter. Sitting there, the first thing that popped into my head was "Thank you, God, for your mercy." I really needed confirmation that there was no hope left. I was so scared this was going to drag on for a long time, and I'm thankful it seems to be resolving itself. It's a small consolation in a really bad situation, but I'll take it.

It's 4:15 am now. I can already feel my cramps getting worse so I took a pain reliever. My cramps feel different...almost more like a burning sensation than the usual ache. It's sort of amazing what our bodies go through and how (sometimes) they just do what they need to do.

Hopefully the dog will let me go back to sleep now.

K

What Comes Next?

I had my second beta on Tuesday and my nurse called to tell me my HCG was at 14.8. Before she called, it hadn't occurred to me that a slight rise was possible. I thought it would either double or fall. I didn't really know what to make of this number, but I knew it wasn't good. My nurse told me to stop all meds, which I have, and then I scheduled a consultation with my RE for yesterday.

Mr. T and I went to the appointment yesterday, and even though we hadn't said it out loud, I think we still were holding out hope that something good could come of this. The doctor started by saying he had been excited about our positive test and sorry to see the second numbers. He had been hopeful that this pregnancy would work out even though it had started with such low numbers. He's seen a number of women who started low go on to delivery healthy babies. Then he talked about what comes next: another beta on Monday, an ultrasound at some point if I don't miscarry on my own and/or my numbers don't fall, eventually the possibility of a shot to dissolve everything. I can't even type that without crying.

Until the consultation, I hadn't really thought of this as a pregnancy or that what was happening to me was a miscarriage. After the low rise in numbers, I considered it more of the usual BFN. It didn't dawn on me that I wouldn't just start my period shortly after I stopped my meds. It's only just sinking in that I am still pregnant, to some extent, at least. And it really hurts a lot.

My prayer for now is that I can find hope and joy around me, even in the midst of grief. I feel like I did when I first found out we would probably never conceive on our own. I felt like I'd never have a baby and my life would never be the same. And it's not the same. And I don't have a baby. And my husband left for a month long business trip this morning. And I'm kind of a mess. But it will get better, I know that.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5

5 years TTC

I just looked at my TTC history in my sidebar and realized it's been 5 years since I went off the pill. 5 years since we decided to start a family, 5 years of waiting for a baby, 5 years of being in limbo. I'll I have to show for it are two little lines. One yesterday that was fairly visible, one today that is lighter than yesterday which means my beta is likely falling. And I'm back in limbo.

*sigh*

2 little lines

Since yesterday, I've grown really attached to this little possibility that is hopeful hanging on and growing like mad in there. I'm so excited and so afraid I'm going to be crushed.

In my excitement, I thought I might as well POAS to see if my 25 mIU 99 cent stick registered anything. The day before beta (11dp3dt) I still had a stark white stick. I didn't bother testing morning of beta. I wasn't even going to POAS today, but by this afternoon I got just crazy enough to want to do it. You know, just to see if maybe, just maybe, there was a line.

And there was.

It's the maybe-if-you-squint-and-tilt-it-toward-the-light-you-can-see-it type, but it's there. I can see that little line and I'm hoping against all hope that this means my beta rose to somewhere closer to 25.

This is the first time I've ever seen a second line. And I'm completely in love with it. And I'm desperate for this to stick, and I can't think of much else.

Tuesday is so, so far away.

K

No Man's Land

I've been away from blogland for so long now, I don't even feel like I belong here. Yet here I am, back basically out of desperation for the support I can only get from my fellow IFers.

IVF #3 started in early September with a slightly changed protocol. This time I had micro-d.ose lu.pron starting a couple days before stims and continuing through to just before retrieval. The lu.pron worked, making stims time really short (I think 5 or so days instead of my usual 9). Not a lot on the egg side, as usual. 9 retrieved, 6 fertilized, 3 highly rated beauties made it to transfer.

I had a 3 day transfer that was much more painful than usual, followed by a slower recovery and generally more pain around my ovaries. As that lessened, I noticed more discomfort in my uterus. I've also been running a low-grade fever (in the 99s) everyday.

At about 9dp3dt I started POAS. Negative each day with a good test that measured HCG as low as 25. I already had a drinking plan for tonight knowing beta would be negative when the results came in.

Beta #1: 11.

Yes, 11. WTF?! What am I supposed to do with that?! On the one hand, I'm super excited that this cycle was actually different and maybe, for a minute, I was pregnant. It might be possible that my ridiculous, silly uterus cooperated, even momentarily. On the other hand, WTF!? This sucks so bad! Now I have to wait until Tuesday 10/6 for a repeat beta. Doc says "don't get your hopes up." Dr. Google says "don't get your hopes up." Guess where my hopes are? Yeah, up. I can't help it. Ugh.

This just sucks.

Ob-la-di, ob-la-da...

Life goes on. 

The aftermath of this most recent failure was fairly minor. I chalk this up to the fact that there was already a plan in place. We have IVF #3 to suffer through look forward to, though timing on that has yet to be determined. Mr. T will be gone half of May, and almost all of June and July. If the timing works out, we may be able to sneak a cycle in at the end of June, but I don't want to do it if it will be stressful. I do want to do it because I turn 30 in August and I really wanted to give myself another chance to be pregnant before then. I know it's dumb, but I also think of all people, you guys understand that desire. If we can't fit IVF #3 in June, we'll probably do it in August or September. 

We had our IVF failure appointment a while (it feels like forever) ago. The doctor didn't really have much to say. We have good embryos, my uterus looks great, my response was fine, no complications with the transfers, etc. He doesn't plan on doing much different with my protocol next time. He says we could do a whole paradigm-shift in protocol, but there are no guarantees that will do us any good. And since my current protocol has been successful (in terms of number and quality of eggs), its better not to risk it. So apparently everything is fine - my silly uterus just doesn't want to welcome any tenants. 

Looking forward, hopefully #3 will produce a good amount of embryos, and maybe (just maybe) will actually work! If not, we'll hope for at least one FET, and if that doesn't work, we'll move ahead to adoption. See, I have a plan. Everything is going to be fine.

Are you convinced? I'm not sure I am either.

On the real life side of things, Mr. T's birthday was this past weekend. We had a really fun dinner out with my parents and Mr. T's brother and sister-in-law who live close by. The next day we had a get-together at our house. I gave Mr. T Guita,r H.ero Wor.ld Tou.r, and that was enjoyed by all until the wee hours.

I'm getting geared up for summer. I have my first real sunburn of the season (yes, I know I should be more careful) from laying out yesterday afternoon. I was working on my bible study homework and somehow time got away from me. Now I'm wishing I could go bra-free, but me and free-swingin' just don't go so well together. Yeah, I totally just typed that and made the decision to publish it. You're welcome.

K

Arg!

Beta today. As expected it was negative. As I was leaving, the billing lady said "so you find out today!" I told her I knew it was negative already and she gave me a nice lecture about staying positive and focusing all my energy on my uterus. My nurse called with the results this afternoon. She is so sweet, she was very disappointed for us. I think she thought I was crazy when I told her I already knew and it was fine. At least we didn't lose the money we paid for IVF #3. And, I also found a little more leftover Bra.velle and Meno.pur, so that won't go to waste either.

So, as you can see I'm focusing on the positive. Although the heartache, anger, frustration, loss, and sadness are pretty thinly veiled right now. I don't want to wallow in emotions, though. I just feel like it isn't going to do any good. It didn't work for a reason, and I can accept that. It sucks, really a lot, but I can accept it. It probably helps that we have a lot of people praying for us. I do appreciate that support.

Anyway, I'm sure it will take a while to mentally/emotionally process all of this. At least for now we have a plan. IVF #3 is paid for, we have 3 frozen embies. We just need to figure out when Mr. T is going to be in town long enough to schedule all of this again.

IVF failure talk with my doc next Thursday. I can't imagine there's much he will have to say, but it's nice we can all feel like failures together.

*sigh*

9dp3dt

I P'd OAS this morning and got the usual blank white, not even a hint of pink, heart-crushing result. Ugh. I can't say I'm completely hopeless yet, but I'm most of the way there. Beta Thursday am, results by the afternoon. Just to show I'm good at obsessing, I will continue to POAS until then.

6dp3dt or How much longer till I can POAS?

Basically, I don't really have more to say than the title of this post, but I'll try to stretch it out. I'm so in-between right now. I don't have any good feelings, none of real gloom and doom either. With the exception of the occasional twinge, my soreness is gone. I know it's good that my ovaries are getting back to normal, but it was kind of nice to have something going on. Symptoms to monitor, visions of embryos burrowing. Now, I'm back to basically nothing, and it makes me scared, really scared, that this will be my second failed IVF. And it sucks. A lot.

I have a list of the positive parts of another failure. I don't really feel like thinking about it, but I'm going to try to get it together. Okay, I just took a minute to dig myself slightly out of my pity pit. Here's the list:

1. Did I tell you (did I dare put in writing?) that my EDD would be 12/23? Being a summer baby myself, I've always loved having Christmas and my bday far apart. I always thought it would stink having a birthday so close to Christmas. So, if we fail, at least my kid won't be born on Christmas eve eve. Would I rather be pregnant regardless of due date? Uh, duh. But I'll take whatever small consolations I can get.

2. We have already paid for another IVF (minus meds) that we lose if I get pregnant. Woo! Who needs to be pregnant when you could not be pregnant and save a couple grand?

3. We have three embryos to use for a future FET. All hope is not yet lost.

In other news, my friends who live far away just had their second baby last night at 26 weeks. Amazingly, their little girl was bigger than they thought at 2lb 4oz. Though she's obviously super undeveloped, she is also a fighter and is doing really well so far. Send them a prayer if you have a chance. The baby's name is Leah.

And, on a thankful note, it's Good Friday. It is nice in the midst of the madness to take time out to remember the amazing love Jesus showed us that day. I am so grateful for that.

K

3dp3dt?

If I had my ER on April 1st and my ET on April 4th, am I 3dpt? For some reason (lack of sleep, maybe?) I am confounded by the counting. 

Overall, transfer went smoothly, though it was definitely more uncomfortable this time (lots of swabbing my cer.vix with extra long q-tips, ugh!). After two uneventful days of bed-rest, I am continuing to try to entice 2 8-cell and 1 6-cell embies to stay around for 9 months or so.

Now, on to what this post is really about: Complaining.

Man, am I sore this time around! I can't figure out what's so different this time than IVF #1. I know my ovaries were definitely more sore from the extra Br.avelle, but shouldn't that be calming down by now? Last time, I felt totally fine on the day after retrieval, and even on transfer day I didn't want to be on bed rest--I felt great. Now, it's my first day off bed rest, and I still needed to take it easy. I'm just achy down there, almost like I'm going to start my period. It comes and goes, but when it comes, I just feel so full and there are occasional twinges around. I don't even know what's what down there right now? Is it my ute that's achy? Is my ovary twinging? I have no idea. Of course I think this action must be the embies hunkering down, but I'm trying not to say that out loud.

My bbs are getting more sore from the progesterone...I have more than last time, I think. 100mg 3x a day in the hoo hoo, 2 (100mg?) a day in lozenge form. (Still so thankful no PIO.) Estra.ce 3x a day, 81 mg aspi.rin, vitamin...is that it? It feels like so much more than that.

On a positive note, I stopped by the 99 cent store today and they had lots of HPTs in stock. I limited myself to 5 since Mr. T was with me and I'm still trying to protect him from some of my IF craziness.  No plans to test yet...I'll save that for next week.

In real life, Mr. T and I had a fun time watching the basketball finals with friends. As you all know, it's nice to have distractions during these long days of waiting.

K

Countdown to transfer

My transfer was originally scheduled for 8am tomorrow, but my nurse called this afternoon and (very apologetically) changed it to 6:30am. Ouch! On the bright side, at least I'll have plenty of time to nap over the next two days!

Post-retrieval has been tougher this time around. I can't really complain much since I haven't even taken any tyl.enol, but still I'm much more bloated and sore than before. I'll chalk it up to my massive (note sarcasm) number of eggs. :)

Hopefully I'll post again soon to update on my transfer. I am happy to have a buddy on the same schedule as me...Betsy over at It's a Zoo Around Here. Think happy thoughts for both of us!

Oh, and BTW, any opinions on how much movement is acceptable post transfer? I'm going to grill my doctor about it tomorrow. I need details, dangit! I'll let you know if doc says anything interesting.

K

Oh, and PS...Mr. T is currently trying to breakdance in the living room. What?! Last thing I heard from him was, "I'm too old for this crap." Niiiiice.

Fert Report

Just missed a phone call from my nurse. She left a message saying out of 11, 8 were mature enough to ICSI, and 6 fertilized normally! Holy cow! I think I'm excited. If they all make it over the next few days, it will be good to be able to choose the best, and maybe even have some left for a FET. Cool.

K

The Action Continues

Man, I'm a slacker. Last post I said I thought I couldn't do this again without the IF community. Although I've been lurking occasionally, I guess this time I'm better at doing this without totally obsessing (this may turn into a total lie when I'm in the tww).

I am actually done with stims and just had my retrieval today. 11 follicles, 11 eggs. Two better than last time, but I can't help feeling disappointed when my meds were upped from last time. This time I was on 5 vials of Brav.elle and a vial of Me.nopur daily. Still only 2 follies improvement. Guess I can't complain too much, I know it just takes one (please God!) We'll have a better idea when we see what my fert report says tomorrow. Overall ER was easy again. I am just a little sore and tired, but haven't needed any tyl.enol or anything. I'm thankful for that...it always gives me a little boost to think I'm a stud about pain, even though I'm probably just super lucky.

Stims went really fast this time. It was nice to be on autopilot (although I did accidentally mix my first dose of meno.pur with the whole vial of water instead of just a cc...ouch!). It made it easier to be less emotionally batty. Ooooh, I also did a sweet shot of Br.avelle too shallow and got a huge bubble that didn't want to go away. Have you done this? It's freaky! Doc said it was fine though, so no biggie except it being a little gross. :)

ET is already scheduled for Saturday AM, I guess my doc always does three day transfers.

I'm nervous to see how many embryos we end up with. Last time, with 9 retrieved, we ended up with 2 great ones and 1 decent one. We weren't faced with extras to freeze (which we were hesitant about), and it was nice not to have to make a decision. This time, doc wanted to ICSI all, which is what he did last time. It will be interesting to see if that means we end up with 1, 2, 6, 8? Who knows? Mr. T and I talked about the fact that we might end up with extra embryos to freeze, and decided to let it be in God's hands. We know we'll use them all if we end up with frozen, and there's a good chance we won't end up with any extra. So, that's the biggest thing on my mind.

K

Back in Action

More than three months...I feel like such a slacker, but I can't say I missed much about this world. That's not to say I didn't try to pop in here and there to stay up-to-date on the people I follow, but it was nice not to write. Mostly, it was nice not to have anything IF related to write about. 

To catch you up, here is the rundown of the last few months:

Normal period following IVF #1, hubby gone two weeks leading up to Christmas, Christmas and other holidays (lovely!), hubby gone all of January, terrible and late (38 day cycle) 2nd period following IVF #1, hubby gone here and there for a week at a time, totally stop thinking about my cycles, think period #3 is coming crazy early and realize I can't read a calendar, decide to do IVF #2.

So, here I am back in the blogging world because, frankly, I don't think I can go through another IVF without recording it somewhere, being able to vent, and having free reign to obsess around the only other people who really understand my obsessing. Glad you're here, blogging world. 

I guess IVF #2 officially started March 8th when I took my first BCP. March 9th, I talked with my nurse who laid out the preliminary calendar for this round. I skipped my baseline FSH and ultrasound because I was out of town on Day 3 and FSH was normal last time. I'm glad my doctor is cool about that kind of thing because it totally saved me hundreds of dollars.

Preliminary calendar:

March 17: Last BCP

March 18: Sono, mock, bloodwork. If all good, start stims.

March 30/31ish: ER

April 3/4: ET

We bit the bullet and bought the "lower" cost two cycle option. So, we pay for two cycles now, but because we're paying ahead of time we pay about the cost of 1.5 cycles. If we aren't successful, we have a back-up plan (IVF#3) for a lower cost. If we are successful, we don't get any money back (this is the gamble), but I guess they figure we'll be happy enough (about being pg) not to be pissed that they just made us pay $3000 extra for an IVF cycle. We also don't get to use the unused IVF #3 at a later date. What a system! Anyway, doc strongly suggested doing the 2-cycle option especially because we are still sticking with egg-freezing (not embryo-freezing), which lowers our chances even more for an FET working.

[As a side note, sorry if none of this makes sense. I'm tired and haven't had to write anything coherent for 3 months.]

On the non-financial, non-doctorsmashingmyhopesbyrecommending2cycles front, it looks like we're going with a more aggressive protocol. Don't know the details yet, but I think I'll be bumped from 3 vials of Br.avelle to 5 vials per day right off the bat. I'm psyched I kept my leftovers from last time...it's only enough for one day, but better than nothing. I'm estimating I'll be injecting about $450 into myself every day. Ugh...I'm starting to remember why IVF sucks.

Hubby is out of town again now. His work travel has picked up a ton. It's frustrating, but at least I'll have him around for the end of March and most of April for moral support/baby-making. :) Other than that, life marches on. I'm sure there is a lot more to write that I'm forgetting now. Hopefully next post will be more coherent.

It's funny, even now I feel myself falling back into the IF world. The stress, shots, scheduling, ugh... But I also feel myself surrounded and bolstered by the IF community. This is totally cheesy, but right now it seems like we're all in a big IF parade together and I just sat down for a while to rest. Now I'm back in the ranks again, looking at the people around me. Some rested with me, some marched in place, and some moved on down the road. But it's still our IF parade, and we're still in it together.