4 AM

I woke up at 3:45 this morning to my dog barking. She had a raccoon treed, and they are her nemesis because she knows they like to steal her food. As I walked out to call her inside, I noticed I had some more painful cramping. Since before beta #1, I've had cramps as though my period were about to start, so I'm used to it. But these cramps were different. I went to the bathroom and there was blood on the toilet paper...light red at first, then by the third wipe it was getting brighter. Sitting there, the first thing that popped into my head was "Thank you, God, for your mercy." I really needed confirmation that there was no hope left. I was so scared this was going to drag on for a long time, and I'm thankful it seems to be resolving itself. It's a small consolation in a really bad situation, but I'll take it.

It's 4:15 am now. I can already feel my cramps getting worse so I took a pain reliever. My cramps feel different...almost more like a burning sensation than the usual ache. It's sort of amazing what our bodies go through and how (sometimes) they just do what they need to do.

Hopefully the dog will let me go back to sleep now.

K

What Comes Next?

I had my second beta on Tuesday and my nurse called to tell me my HCG was at 14.8. Before she called, it hadn't occurred to me that a slight rise was possible. I thought it would either double or fall. I didn't really know what to make of this number, but I knew it wasn't good. My nurse told me to stop all meds, which I have, and then I scheduled a consultation with my RE for yesterday.

Mr. T and I went to the appointment yesterday, and even though we hadn't said it out loud, I think we still were holding out hope that something good could come of this. The doctor started by saying he had been excited about our positive test and sorry to see the second numbers. He had been hopeful that this pregnancy would work out even though it had started with such low numbers. He's seen a number of women who started low go on to delivery healthy babies. Then he talked about what comes next: another beta on Monday, an ultrasound at some point if I don't miscarry on my own and/or my numbers don't fall, eventually the possibility of a shot to dissolve everything. I can't even type that without crying.

Until the consultation, I hadn't really thought of this as a pregnancy or that what was happening to me was a miscarriage. After the low rise in numbers, I considered it more of the usual BFN. It didn't dawn on me that I wouldn't just start my period shortly after I stopped my meds. It's only just sinking in that I am still pregnant, to some extent, at least. And it really hurts a lot.

My prayer for now is that I can find hope and joy around me, even in the midst of grief. I feel like I did when I first found out we would probably never conceive on our own. I felt like I'd never have a baby and my life would never be the same. And it's not the same. And I don't have a baby. And my husband left for a month long business trip this morning. And I'm kind of a mess. But it will get better, I know that.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5

5 years TTC

I just looked at my TTC history in my sidebar and realized it's been 5 years since I went off the pill. 5 years since we decided to start a family, 5 years of waiting for a baby, 5 years of being in limbo. I'll I have to show for it are two little lines. One yesterday that was fairly visible, one today that is lighter than yesterday which means my beta is likely falling. And I'm back in limbo.

*sigh*

2 little lines

Since yesterday, I've grown really attached to this little possibility that is hopeful hanging on and growing like mad in there. I'm so excited and so afraid I'm going to be crushed.

In my excitement, I thought I might as well POAS to see if my 25 mIU 99 cent stick registered anything. The day before beta (11dp3dt) I still had a stark white stick. I didn't bother testing morning of beta. I wasn't even going to POAS today, but by this afternoon I got just crazy enough to want to do it. You know, just to see if maybe, just maybe, there was a line.

And there was.

It's the maybe-if-you-squint-and-tilt-it-toward-the-light-you-can-see-it type, but it's there. I can see that little line and I'm hoping against all hope that this means my beta rose to somewhere closer to 25.

This is the first time I've ever seen a second line. And I'm completely in love with it. And I'm desperate for this to stick, and I can't think of much else.

Tuesday is so, so far away.

K

No Man's Land

I've been away from blogland for so long now, I don't even feel like I belong here. Yet here I am, back basically out of desperation for the support I can only get from my fellow IFers.

IVF #3 started in early September with a slightly changed protocol. This time I had micro-d.ose lu.pron starting a couple days before stims and continuing through to just before retrieval. The lu.pron worked, making stims time really short (I think 5 or so days instead of my usual 9). Not a lot on the egg side, as usual. 9 retrieved, 6 fertilized, 3 highly rated beauties made it to transfer.

I had a 3 day transfer that was much more painful than usual, followed by a slower recovery and generally more pain around my ovaries. As that lessened, I noticed more discomfort in my uterus. I've also been running a low-grade fever (in the 99s) everyday.

At about 9dp3dt I started POAS. Negative each day with a good test that measured HCG as low as 25. I already had a drinking plan for tonight knowing beta would be negative when the results came in.

Beta #1: 11.

Yes, 11. WTF?! What am I supposed to do with that?! On the one hand, I'm super excited that this cycle was actually different and maybe, for a minute, I was pregnant. It might be possible that my ridiculous, silly uterus cooperated, even momentarily. On the other hand, WTF!? This sucks so bad! Now I have to wait until Tuesday 10/6 for a repeat beta. Doc says "don't get your hopes up." Dr. Google says "don't get your hopes up." Guess where my hopes are? Yeah, up. I can't help it. Ugh.

This just sucks.