The Shots Have Landed (in my thigh)

I have to say, sticking a needle into myself was harder than I expected. There I was, medicine mixed, needle filled and hovering over my thigh. 1...2...3...nothing. Okay, I can do this...now! Nothing. Hmmm, God, please just make me do it. Jab. Cool, that didn't hurt. Start pushing in medicine...ouch, but not too bad. Pull out the needle and start bleeding. What?! Massage with gauze and on to shot two.

Question 1: When I bled after my shot, it looked like it was thinned out with medicine, like I was leaking medicine, too. I know it was like two drops, but still...doesn't my body need every last bit? 

Discovery 1: Men0pur powder dissolves intantly, magically, at the introduction of just one drop of water. Unfortunately, I didn't know that, so when I stuck my needle full of water into the men0pur and one drop went in, I didn't see the powder disappear. I thought there was no way all that powder could disappear in one drop of water. I must have been ripped off by the pharmacy! Take new vial of men0pur, add water and actually see the powder dissolve instantaneously. It was seriously like magic. So, I used that for my shot, but in the meantime, I have accidentally mixed another vial of men0pur. Now, I don't know what to do.

Question 2: My accidentally one-drop-of-water vial of men0pur sat out all night until I got a call into my RN. She left a message saying it should be refrigerated, and if it had been more than 24 hours, I shouldn't use it. Well, I popped it in the fridge after about 10 hours, and now I'm not sure if I should use it tonight (within 24 hours). Any thoughts? I have a call into my other RN to see if I it had to be refrigerated the whole time, or I'm still good. I just hate to throw away $60 worth of medicine!

Discovery 2: It's better to keep your eyes open when giving yourself a shot, and just to stick it in. Slow needle pokes are not as pain-free as fast ones. 

Discovery 3: It's best not to inject right where you just got a giant bruise during your soccer game. My thigh is sore! I'm hoping its the bruise, not the needles.

So, that's it. I haven't noticed any side effects yet. My "period" started today because of going off the pill on Friday. Mr. T is worried about all of these drugs and hormones and how they're affecting my body. Which is sweet, but I don't have the desire to worry about those things. He did give me a very sincere "I appreciate what you're doing," after he gleefully watched me freak out before my first shot.

Re-discovery 1: God is good. I have been able to do what I've needed to do over the last few days. My nurse friend down the street offered to help me with my shots if I needed her, but mostly just offered encouragement, which was great. My family is supportive. I might get to take a nap today. Life is good.

K

Countdown to Shots

Today is the day. Official day #1 of IVF #1. My first shots will be tonight around 9. I play soccer Monday evenings, so I'm going to do it afterward. The last few days I've been kind of excited start this new adventure. As it gets closer, I get more nervous, but I'm still sort of excited about learning how to give myself a shot. I guess I like new experiences, however painful/nerve-wracking. Although I may change my mind when a needle is hovering close to my skin and I'm in charge of jamming it in! In my "training" my RN said "hold it like a dart and do it quickly." Mr. T loves darts. Maybe I'll draw a target on my thigh and see if he can get a bullseye. Yeah, I know, maybe not.

There's not too much else going on on the IF front. I'm still feeling okay about ICSI and haven't really talked more with hubby about it. We still have time to decide.

On the non-IF front, my 5 1/2 year old niece has been making me laugh. I take care of her almost every day. Take her to kindergarten, pick her up, off to gymnastics, etc. Really, I'm basically a stay-at-home aunt. Anyway, the other day she looked at my bag of Halloween candy and said "Oooooh, S&Ms!" I did a double take, processed the moment, and reminded her gently that those candies are called Skittles.

And today I had to laugh when she showed up with a new stuffed animal that she named after my nurse (the one I talk to all the time). I've never really talked to my niece about her, but she picked up on her name from my phone calls. It will be fun to tell my nurse she has an awesome hot pink and white pony named after her.

I'll let you know soon how the first shots go!

K

Tiny Needles

On our honeymoon in Maui, Mr. T and I went to a cheesy luau where some terrible Don Ho impersonator sang Tiny Bubbles. That's what I was thinking about when I titled my post. Tiny needles, in my fat, make me happy, make me want a nap. Since I haven't started stims yet, I'm not sure I'll be too happy, but the small needles I saw today did make me relieved, at least. And, I'm pretty much always ready for a nap, so that's just a given.

The needles I saw today were all at my doctor's office during my first official IVF appt. I had a sonohysterosomething (during which my uterus received a very nice compliment, "your uterus is beautiful." He left out "but useless," which I thought was kind.) They did find one small (4-5mm) fibroid that the dr said was nothing to be worried about at all. I don't like anything extra in my ute, but I'm not concerned if doc isn't concerned. They ended up not doing a mock transfer because my RN said the dr is already familiar with my cervix and uterus from my IUIs. I told Mr. T and he said "he's definitely more familiar with them than I am." Thanks, Mr. T.

At my appt, I got my calendar for the upcoming weeks. I just got a call from my RN with my bloodwork results for today and we are good to go. Estrogen was 39.7 (doc likes it under 80), progesterone .535 (doc likes it under 3). Tomorrow night is my last pill. Monday I start injecting myself with meno.pur and brav.elle. I'm grateful there are only two shots and that both are subcutaneous. That tiny needle makes me happy, at least for now. Luckily my friend down the street is a nurse--I think I'll see if she can supervise my first attempt. Anyway, Halloween is my next appt to go in for bloodwork and u/s, then there will be some more as yet unscheduled monitoring. ER tentatively set for Nov. 7 or 8, ET possible for the 10th or 11th. Holy canoli. 

One thing that came up today was the doctor recommending ICSI. Mr. T had low motility before his varicocelectomy, but has been normal since. Numbers have been good for our 2 IUIs, which had two inseminations each. Doc said he wants to do it just because he's being paranoid about the whole thing. He'd hate to get so far only to have the eggs not fertilize naturally. Mr. T feels kind of like this is forcing God's hand, or letting an embryologist determine who our child would be. I prayed about it and think God will guide the hand of the embryologist to create the embryo He wants created. I'll keep praying about it to see if God confirms that idea to me. At this point, I feel fairly comfortable with ICSI and will talk more with hubby about it. Anyone do IVF without ICSI? Any thoughts?

Oh, and woohoo! I have people to ask for advice. Thank you for my six (!) comments. I know there are those with hundreds of comments per post, but if six was my most ever, I'd be totally content. Thanks for caring enough to pass on advice, answers, welcoming words, and hugs. You guys are awesome!

K

Follow through

I've been a little unmotivated about this blog over the past few days. I have a tendency to start things and not follow through. (Just ask my husband about the time I ripped up the carpet in the guest bedroom. Luckily, he was kind and patient enough to take over sanding the old wood floors I exposed with hardly a complaint. I am really lucky on that front. Anyway, I digress...) I just wasn't sure what I was doing this for, if anyone would read it, if I wanted to bother. And, well, I logged on today and had a comment. Thanks, Nity! Suddenly, my blog has a little more purpose than before. So here I am again.

Also motivating me is the fact that I finally have news on the IVF front. My doctor got around to figuring out my protocol. My lovely nurse (who I talk to on the phone more than I do a lot of my friends) sent along my list of meds. Here it is:

Br.avelle
Meno.pur
Ganir.elix Acetate
Es.trace
HCG trigger shot
Progesterone capsules
Progesterone lozenges

Not a bad list, I guess. I called up a couple of pharmacies and this stuff should cost around $2,700. Luckily for us, one of the pharmacies is having some deal where we can get discounts on the Brav.elle and Meno.pur so our total cost should be less than $1,900. After having the nurse say meds could be $3,000-$8,000 and seeing what others have had to pay, I feel pretty fortunate. Now, I just have to get my nurse to call me back and give me some kind of schedule. I'm guessing I'll need to go in to the clinic and have someone teach me how to shoot myself up? Or maybe tell me what drugs I need to take when? Or give me suggestions on where in the world to find enough places for all the needles?

As a sidebar, I had my flu shot earlier this week. I'm not really a wimp about pain, but it was enough for me to say ouch. Hopefully, I'll be able to get over by the time I have to start stims.

In the meantime, I'm keeping busy with life in general. My parents are out of town right now, which is fun for them, not so much for me. My mom usually has my niece all day Tuesday so I get a day off, which I didn't realize I cherished so much until this week. I don't know what I need all this alone time for...I guess to get my thoughts straight about IF and IVF and catch up on housework. I wish I spent more of that time with the Lord. I talk to Him everyday, but I feel like I'm not listening very well. I want to work on just being still. I want to be in His word every day. I have gotten some great encouragement lately, and want to make sure I really follow through with God. I can't let Him be a project I start and then let go. I need Him too much for that.

Will post when I get an update from the doctor. Thanks for reading...it means a lot to me.

K

BTW, I put dots in the middle of my meds because I wanted to be cool like other people. I don't really know for sure what that does. Maybe keeps people from finding my blog when they search for certain drugs? If nothing else, it makes me feel like I'm "in the know."

No News is no news

Well, RE is taking much longer than expected to write up my protocol. Once I know that, I can call around to pharmacies and try to get prices on all of my meds. In the meantime, Mr. T (that's hubby) and I have decided 100% to go for IVF. In this time of waiting, it has actually been nice not to have to worry about medications, or be in the tww. When I woke up this morning, I had to appreciate that, even though I really just want to get going on this! At least with the waiting I probably won't be on bed rest on Halloween, which is good. On a side-note, I said to Mr. T this morning that all this waiting was really pushing our potential due date to a bad time (I think mid-to late August) to have to decide whether to send the kid to kindergarten at 5 or 6. Yes, I know how ridiculous that is. Mr. T laughed and said, "Remember when we really used to think like that?" It's always humbling to remember that as much as I want to be, I really am not in control. Happy weekend.

First Post (I don't want you to have high expectations about my creativity)

Hmm. No fanfare. It seems like there should be something to mark my entrance into a world I never thought I'd enter. Guess I'll just shout YAY! in my head.

Anyhoo, here it is, first post. A short background seems like a logical starting point. DH and I met in college about 11 years ago and started dating shortly thereafter. We were happy and in love, so we got married in 2002. By 2004, we were still happy and in love so we thought we'd start a family. In 2006, OB/GYN says "you'll never have children on your own." Less happy, but still in love. Later in 2006, hubby has surgery to correct a varicocele. Happy and hopeful and still in love. 2007, still no BFP. Time to see RE #1. No thanks, we'll look for someone else. Starting to get a little frustrated. Try praying harder and asking God what to do. Feel frustrated (but still in love). By early 2008, with lots of recommendations from lots of people, we find RE #2 at super-clinic. Happy, hopeful and in love. By late 2008, we're down two cycles of IUI with clomid. That's where we are now-- happy and in love, but without kids, and maybe a little more jaded for the journey.

Over the last month, we've done a lot of praying about what to do next. After two failed IUIs (which I know is nothing compared to a lot of people), it feels like time to move on. When we first saw RE #2, we said we wanted to avoid IVF as long as possible. But, with bills piling up and the odds against us, we started feeling like it might be more cost-effective over the long run to just bite the IVF bullet. Still, we were uncomfortable with the idea of freezing embryos. For hubby, this is totally a life starts at conception, embryos are babies, black and white issue. For me, it's a lot more gray. I cannot judge what other people decide to do. Anyone facing IVF is in a ridiculous situation, facing questions most people will never have to. There aren't any for-sure answers. But, I did know that I didn't feel comfortable freezing embryos either, for whatever reason.

So, without a lot of hope, DH and I met with RE#2 last Friday. Well, to make a long story short, RE#2 says if we're uncomfortable freezing embryos, we can freeze eggs. Wait, what? Why didn't I think of that? The idea is that it starts as a normal IVF cycle, but when we do our retrieval, they will only fertilize a few of the eggs to be transferred that cycle. The rest will be frozen, unfertilized, for future use. If we need them later, a few will be thawed, fertilized, and transferred. Just a step more complicated (and just a bit more expensive) than a regular FET. And, at the end of all of this, if we have leftover eggs, we can have them destroyed with no qualms.

So wow, God answers prayer. How cool is that? It had been a long time since I prayed about something and actually got a right in my face answer about it. It felt so good. And that's where we are now. We're about 95% sure we're going to do IVF as soon as RE figures out our protocol. In the meantime, I'm on the pill, which seems like it should be weird, but somehow it's just another in a long line of medicines. So, I'll let you know when this is a go. I should hear from RE tomorrow, and DH and I will decide 100% to go for it. In the meantime, I'll just keep obsessively reading all the IF blogs I can find, which is so super helpful in making me feel less alien and much, much more informed and armed for this adventure.