Tiny Follicles...Make Me Cry

I had my first check-up after starting stims yesterday. My estr.adiol level was 172. I have 4 follies on the right side measuring around 1-2 mm, I think. On my left there are 5, all smaller than the right. I don't really know what I'm supposed to be expecting at this point, but I definitely thought I'd have more than 9 follicles. I know its selfish, but I was thinking I'd have a bunch, and we'd definitely have enough for an FET. I also know I should just be grateful to have those 9. But, the doctor made it sound like they weren't as big as they should be, and that things weren't what he expected either. It's always nerve wracking when the doctor has just a tiny hint of disappointment/surprise in his voice.  When I asked doc if the 9 now were going to be it for this cycle, he was unreassuring, "In the best case, next time we check you there will be some more follicles that we couldn't see this time. In the worst case, these 9 will be it, but not all of them will keep growing." 

Grow, follies, grow! Waahh!

When my RN called in the PM to give me my E2 levels, she also told me they want to increase my Brav.elle from 3 to 5 vials a day. So then I had the joy of calling the pharmacy and ordering a ton more. So much for keeping my drug cost low. (Did I ever tell you guys I calculated my original drug cost without the menopur? Oh yeah, not the best deal after all.) I'm injecting myself with more than $200 of Brav.elle each day! Ouch!

So, I'm bummed. I'm in denial. I'm praying for God's peace and His will. I'm trying hard to give everything up to Him--all the worry about follicles, money, my heart breaking. I think I'll eat Halloween candy all day and try to enjoy the first day of November and the "cooler" (think high 70s/low 80s) weather it's bringing around here.

K